I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
