this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
