oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
