What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
there is another microwave in the elevator.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize