sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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