at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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