I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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