I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
