I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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