the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
