That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
