he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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