Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
