im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
