ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
