i was born a porn star she said
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
