you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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