she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
