I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
