I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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