So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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