yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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