i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
