Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
