I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
