It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
