i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
His nipple licking is glorious
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