he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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