I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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