when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
