just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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