in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
