it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
