He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
