So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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