she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize