She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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