I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
