dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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