im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
two words...techno handjob
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
