Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
