Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
