Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
