How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize