last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
