people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
