Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
