3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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