My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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