Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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