He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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