Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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