PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Randomize
