need another drink. this is the easiest way
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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