I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
