You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
