Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
