omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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