I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
