There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
