So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
