you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
