what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
